Have you ever had really good dates and found yourself baffled at the response or lack of response after? If you're within the realm of normal this kind of experience probably left you feeling upset, confused and hurt.
But ladies, learn from my experience if you can, the silence is a blessing in disguise. I recently read a quote that went something like this: Never wrestle with a pig, you'll just get dirty and the pig might like it.
Next time a man behaves in this bizarre way realize that he is just not capable of conducting himself in a mature relationship. Do not confuse this with "doesn't want" or "doesn't like you" or anything in that direction. It's not about you.
Remember this and feel good about walking away with a clear break: HE IS NOT CAPABLE!
The following are pieces from a letter I wrote to "The Shmoo" after opening up communication with him 6 weeks after I broke things off. We dated for two more weeks and it would have continued had I allowed it. But try as I might to be a part of the relationship it was impossible. Sadly due to his own failings which led to emotional blackmail and temper tantrums upon any perceived criticism of himself, I could never express something I didn't like or explain that it was hurtful. And so this letter ensued. And if you are in this position I suggest you go ahead and write your Shmoo too.
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I’m not even sure how to begin this letter to you but I know that I have to write this to you. I write because I truly do care for you and about you. A few weeks ago when I broke up with you I did so with such confusion. Your words and actions did not match up and I just thought I was being dicked around by some asshole guy…what a surprise. (sarcasm)
When we got together a few weeks ago, you started to reveal some information to me, it started to make some sense to me and I realized you are not a jerk, but a man with several issues due to your ADHD. I could not be angry with or at you anymore.
I write to you for a few reasons. The first, I truly care about you, but there are some things that you need to understand. The second, I do not feel like I am heard and this makes it almost impossible for me to have a serious conversation with you.
When we got together a few weeks ago, you started to reveal some information to me, it started to make some sense to me and I realized you are not a jerk, but a man with several issues due to your ADHD. I could not be angry with or at you anymore.
I write to you for a few reasons. The first, I truly care about you, but there are some things that you need to understand. The second, I do not feel like I am heard and this makes it almost impossible for me to have a serious conversation with you.
It is important to me that I express myself fully and that my friends understand me.
The people who are willing to risk losing you by telling you what you need to hear are the ones who care about you. If they are not willing to let you in and tell you these things, they only care for themselves.
S, you live in the conversation in your head. To me, it is like spending time with someone in an alternate universe; a place very foreign to me. The way you take in information is skewed from the way I am used to people taking in and sorting information. I understand it comes from your ADHD and medications, but I believe it leads to a disconnection with people. I think this makes you feel insecure and contemptuous towards people.
I’m going to go back to our very first date. I hope that you will realize a disconnect with me. We had a very lovely dinner together. At the end of the meal, we were asked if we wanted dessert. You answered no. In the dating realm, this is when the man takes the opportunity to let the woman know he had a good time. He would let her know that he would like to extend the date or have another one. You said nothing. I ordered a coffee, because I figured what the heck, I want one and I’m going to enjoy the rest of the time I’m out. Then I’ll say thank you and goodbye. Why? Because you did not give any indication that you wanted more. That’s fine and happens all the time in the dating world.
However, what you did was throw a curve ball and knock me off guard. As I’m walking to the subway entrance then and only then did you mention that you thought it would be nice if we went to XYZ. It’s hard to write in words my reaction because it was more of a sound and body language. But my answer was, “Sure, ok.” And we did. And we spent a lot of time together that night and you were so gentlemanly and walked me all over the city until we found a subway station that was running back to
The impression that left me with was, that you were a bit nervous possibly which maybe accounted for the delay in the dessert info but more so that you were going to go out of your way, for an extended period of time to show me a good time and ensure I got home properly. We spent hours walking around. So that left me with the impression that you liked spending time with me and would go out of your way for me. And that’s important in a mate.
We even made plans for a second date that night. But at no time let me know that although you wanted to take me out a second time, you wanted me to know that it would not be because you weren’t having a good time, that you would need to go home by a certain hour. And to my shock after returning from the bathroom after trying the attraction at the restaurant, you told me it was time to go.
YOU TOLD ME!
You didn’t ask me if I was ready to leave. You decided for us both.
My reaction was reasonable. I was annoyed. I felt you were rude and abrupt and it was very confusing to say the least.
To illustrate another example for you, I am going to remind you what you said to me over a period of time and how you clearly didn’t have a realistic and mature understanding of your own words and actions that followed and then how you became angry and took it out on me.
On our very first phone call you asked me “What kind of underwear do you like?” Just that in and of itself is inappropriate, however you had been funny and we seemed to have good flow of conversation and I chose to take it as a joke.
On our fourth date, in my apt. (even after I explained to you ahead of time that it was not an invite for anything sexual) you were quite sexually aggressive with me. You blurted out that your dick was 5 inches but I should not worry because …and then you stuck your tongue out to touch your nose and said it was your insurance policy.
Fast forward to the day we were intimate. You had only recently let me in on some of your personal health issues. I was still trying to figure out the dance with you in regards to what you say and what you really mean.
I want you to think about why I would believe that you would be willing to perform a certain sex act on me. After all the ‘insurance policy’ would lead anyone to think, that was the implication. Now, I want you to think about why your answer to me “Not a chance in hell!” was so inappropriate as well as aggressive and downright nasty. You imply I am not worth anything to you.
Then you add insult to injury. You blame me for being confused and hurt by your insensitive actions. You were arrogant about it, implying that is was my fault for pushing before you were ready. You are a big boy and need to take responsibility for you actions. I did not force you. Your tone and words were like some kind of punishment for my misbehavior.
WRONG!
You take no responsibility for your own behavior, words and actions. Never. You always deflect. For as long as I’ve known you and it’s only gotten progressively worse, as you slowly have let out pertinent information I should have been told from the very beginning about you.
By 36 years old there are some social norms that should be well understood. However, you do not seem to posses the understanding of these things. When the woman you are dating says to you, the things I did on our phone call that morning and you reply, ”I’ll be over soon,” there is a basic social contract that has been made. It’s very clear.
Nevertheless, this is something you refuse to take responsibility for and then worse, you aggressively take out your anger, confusion and frustration on me
And you are baffled and arrogant that I could not see how wrong I was and how right you are.
And then I had to sit there and listen to you go on and on and on about how you were feeling and how you didn’t like my "gesture", and how you were confused and how you were…and how you were and how you were….and YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU……It’s just too much. It’s the all S all the time channel. Same bat station same bat time.
And then when I tried to tell you that it cannot be all about you, I had to listen to you get defensive and angry and tell me again another issue of yours….that you hate that…you hate hearing that.
Well S, that’s just too bad. No emotionally healthy woman is going to give up herself for all of your issues. And most certainly not me. Your expectations are wildly off.
Worse, you then had the gall to tell me I make you feel insecure. No S, you are insecure because you are insecure. You were insecure before you met me and it is your insecurities that are sabotaging every possible good thing we had together that we could have built on.
It is your insecurities that have led you to behave erratically and irrationally and over a period of time, which led to my REACTIONS (not actions) to you.
S, what you hear and what is said to you are very often two very different things. And you take out the disconnect on me. I cannot let you do that to me. I care for you very much. I truly do. But I cannot let you do that to me. It is abusive.
There are so many of these moments I experienced with you over the past few months. I am not going to list them all. The idea here is to show the thought process and disconnect. There is no other way to heal if you are unwilling to hear this and make changes in you. And that is up to you. I hope you will find the courage to do so because I believe you can do so. I also believe that saying “I’m 36 and by 36 I’m not sure I can…” is nothing more than an excuse to stay unhealthy.
But it is a choice. And if you choose it then you will have to choose it alone. I will not be there with you. And I do not believe any woman you date at this point in your life will be willing to either. It is one thing to do so when we are in our 20’s but by the time we are in our 30’s and more we want mature things that you seem unwilling or unable to provide.
You choose your path and behavior. You choose. It’s always a choice. Healing is hard excruciating work. It forces us to admit to things about ourselves that make us feel terrible about us. But then we can change them and no longer have to feel badly. That’s the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
I cannot listen to the sideways defensive reasoning and blaming that takes up 20 & 30 minutes, just to then finally get to the place where you calm down and tell me that “it’s just that you felt insecure and don’t have much experience & if I’d known you longer (here’s more blame for Me) I would have known this and not made you feel that way.
Unacceptable.
But you then take it a step further by telling me how I should speak and answer you.
Totally unacceptable.
These are very basic things that should be understood by the time we reach puberty let alone middle age. I cannot teach them to you. I cannot make you agree with this or accept what I am saying. But it is true nonetheless.
You seem to muddle up the idea of your partner asking a reasonable question, for example: why can’t you go to dinner with me? As the same as me pointing out to you that demanding not only that I answer you but that my answer to you should be correct as you see it to be correct, “What do you want me to do to you?” (regarding a sexual act) otherwise you somehow have the right to chastise me for the way I answered that or didn’t, is somehow the same. That you truly seem to not understand the clear differences and the vulnerability of a sexual question like that is frightening.
And when you do not get the answer you want, that you have deemed correct you tell me “you do not understand me” or “You are not listening.”
When the truth is that I do not agree and never will agree with you. Because your internal dialogue is very unhealthy. And what you ask of me is to not have any needs, desires, independent thoughts and feelings and never react in a way that you have deemed incorrect.
It’s just crazy S and I cannot do it.
I do not have the luxury of time. I’m 40 years old. I spent years suffering from a pain condition which ruined sexual relations and made it impossible to date. And your questioning me regarding my past sexual life was improper and one-way and leading and accusatory. I will not feel badly for nor apologize for the intimacy I had with any man from my past. I will not allow you to make me feel dirty for it. I spent years in pain, alone and I worked hard to heal from that condition. I will not apologize for giving myself permission to have relationships with men where we shared sexual intimacy and I derived pleasure. Life is too damn short! I will not allow you to label me dirty for it.
There are proper ways to communicate about sexual past partners. None of which you used. What you did was accusatory and passive aggressive and basically said you think I’m dirty and don’t trust me. And you cannot see the difference in what you did and what is the right way to have that conversation.
I’m 40 years old and I pray to be in a loving and committed relationship and have a baby. I do not have years to wait for anyone to catch up. I will not give up a husband and a child for anyone.
I am not a 16 year old girl. Being in a semi-platonic relationship where we see each other from the waist up is not a mature sexual relationship. Two mature adults who love and care for each other should be making love, freely, kindly, lovingly and always wanting to please the other sexually and meet their needs. It shouldn’t have to be said. I’m not quite sure what your issue/hang-up is with Vaginas but it concerns me that even if you felt you knew me long enough that you would perform that “insurance policy” I’d be subjected to negative comments about how I looked, tasted, smelled etc and that I wouldn’t be able to even kindly give you direction on what I like…because the dialogue in your head would not be the desire to please me and a joy for learning that you were pleasing me and could please me but instead would be about YOU, and how badly you felt for not knowing what you were doing etc.. etc.. It’s a kill-joy.
There is nothing more I would have loved than to have it had been with you. But you are not ready. And I cannot control you nor will I ever try to. I am not angry with you. I do not even feel you are a bad person. I think you are such a good hearted person who is tortured with the script in his head that is all consuming. And I wish I could have helped you find peace. And my hope in giving this letter to you is that if not now, someday it helps you begin that journey so that you can have peace within you and love yourself as I wanted so much to love you.
There is nothing more I would have loved than to have it had been with you. But you are not ready. And I cannot control you nor will I ever try to. I am not angry with you. I do not even feel you are a bad person. I think you are such a good hearted person who is tortured with the script in his head that is all consuming. And I wish I could have helped you find peace. And my hope in giving this letter to you is that if not now, someday it helps you begin that journey so that you can have peace within you and love yourself as I wanted so much to love you.
I will always be here for you any time you want to talk or need to talk. You are my friend. And I care about you and your well-being. I know that I have written some very hard things to read/hear. But it in no way means I think you are a terrible person or that I do not deeply care about you and for you. I wish I could hug you and show you how much I care for you and comfort you. I know this letter is rough.
No one ever said healing was easy. Those who think it is are fools. I believe you are strong enough to get out of the boat and row to shore. I want you to be happy. I only want happiness for you.
I am in no way slamming the door on you. Please know that. I hope you will stay in touch with me and be willing to make the hard but necessary changes in your thoughts which translate into new action outcomes. If you choose not to I will miss you, but I will accept it. I think that you deserve to hear these things and hopefully one day realize the gift it is to hear them and use it to heal yourself.
