good friends of mine had the opportunity to witness what I was going through regarding a date I had just had the night before. I was really glad that I had them to share the moments as they unfolded because frankly without them, after so many previous confusing dating moments, while not the same but sharing some minor similarities, without others to witness first-hand it starts to make one feel a bit "crazy."
I guess it's funny in a way how two people can go on the same date and yet not go on the same date.
I decided against my better judgment to go out with a male who in the past I would not have given as second thought to even a slight opportunity to get to know me. Based on age alone! As well, nerdiness. But in the effort to be open, give a possible nice guy a chance, I chalked some red flags up to social awkwardness and truly gave this guy the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes all it takes is a little kindness that can make all the difference right? Diamond in the rough?
I had suspicions that this young guy had communication problems because I nicely made it clear that I wasn't into texting and preferred communication directly. That was ignored. Friends said, give him a chance, maybe he is just nervous and needs to feel more comfortable at this point before he feels ready to talk on the phone. I find this a bit lame, after all if you want to pair up with someone you have to actually talk and communicate. But alas I went forward.
On the actual date, I felt that there were a few moments that were shockingly inappropriate (I will get to them later) but for the most part, as I wanted to give this guy a chance, I literally laughed them off. Sometimes nerves make men say things they know should not have come out of their mouths and a joke or laugh can alleviate the situation letting the other know how you felt.
A lot of topics came up on this date. A lot and the date last 5 hours and ended with a kiss not initiated by me. A very passionate kiss I might add. And that is not something I do with most dates as my good friends know. We talked about our mutual like of all things HGTV and some shared fun Cooking Channel shows. I learned and saw his new apt he was so proud to renovate. We of course spoke about our work. Family was touched on a little bit as far as number of siblings and such.
The way I chose to interpret the conversations was that he seemed willing to share information and his excitement and reasoning for some of his choices.
Here and there he asked me questions about myself and my work. I know what I do is unique to most others. I obliged. However, the way he asked certain questioned seemed to be centered around money/lifestyle, in a prodding or pumping way. There seemed to be some need to know or find out if I had "nice things" and so I was very open about the lifestyle of my career. Sometimes we have a lot of clients and work and other times it's very slow and money is tight. And I said as I often do to many of you, "I'm a good second income," and smiled and laughed about it.
I changed the subject to my friends. I spoke about how proud I was of one friend of mine for being so young and being able to buy her apt in cash in full and how she handled her co op board. His retort was "you will get there someday too." And this started to bother me a bit, his comments. I didn't need consoling and I had already made my own story clear, at our best capacity don't make huge money and I'm fine with that because I love my life and work and friends. (OK I'd love to make more don't get me wrong but it is my choice to do what I do and I love it and made my peace with it.) But it seemed like me having "nice things" wanting them perhaps was important to this guy.
I told him I rent. But he still went on and on asking me what my kitchen was like. And his "well, someday you too" comments kept coming.
It wasn't enough to make me say no to the guy but I was filing it away. Perhaps if a second date came and we were able to establish better communication which takes time, I would be able to establish that this wasn't something that important to me and I was really proud of what he was proud of for himself though, later on. After all, Rome wasn't built in a day.
He made it clear he liked me. He touched my back and my hair. But then a comment came that upset me. Knowing I am naturally curly, he said not only did he think I looked nice with straight hair that night, he said, "I like your hair better straight."
Hurtful comment.
I mentioned I like my curly hair. He pressed on about "better." I said it's a lot of work. He pressed on more about how his sister in law was taught how to do it and I could learn. I said again it's a lot of work and time. And he still pressed on. So I finally said, "If you like it that much and want to see me that way..." and then I made the gesture of $, basically saying if you like your woman that way it costs money dude!
Not once did I say an unsupportive word about any topic he brought up regarding himself. He seemed so proud of his accomplishments and what he was able to do for himself and as I would want to for any friend I wanted to share in his joy for those things for himself and said, "that's great! I'm impressed. " etc. etc..
Look, nobody's perfect and first dates can be hard. I was willing to let some things go and chalk it up to just normal conversation and wanted to share. Especially when I've had so many bad dates that you have all read about on this blog, in comparison this one was "terrific."
So this was a 5 hour date. We went for a walk. We sat and talked. And other conversations came up. Again an awkward conversation was started to which I said, "It's important to me that I find a mate that I can talk with and enjoy communicating with because in the end we all get old and that "other stuff" fades."
His response was bluntly, "I like sex and no it won't."
I repeated what he said because I was shocked. "Did you just say...?" And he nodded yes.
Being the person I am, I just went with the conversation ...choosing not to get mad or angry about it, simply stating my wants and what kind of person I am. "Sex is important to a relationship and yes it can be a deal breaker in the end, but that comes much later after knowing someone for a while. I'm not that type of woman. I'm looking for a mensche."
His response, "Don't you think it's really good that we feel so comfortable talking about this on a first date?"
I didn't. I didn't respond.
He made a lot of comments about next time, this or that.
I changed the subject. I asked if he had ever been in love before. He said yes. I told him I asked because I think it's important to know if someone is capable of being in love with another and that by a certain age if you haven't ever been in love once you're probably not capable of it and that's not a good sign for a partner. (I've had many men say they never were in love or even close and didn't know why.)
I ended the date saying that it was late and would he like a ride home. He declined the ride but kept talking about next time and touching my back and hair. He offered to walk me to my car. And then he planted a huge passionate kiss on me, twice.
Truthfully, writing this is much easier to see things in hindsight. Sometimes these moments go by fast as I am experiencing them and I choose to laugh it off and use humor to get my points across when possible. I thought I had.
That was MY date.
His date was to txt me after I texted a thank you I had a nice time: It was ok. You talked too much about money and you checked your email. Take care.
It was a shock. And a shock to my GF sitting next to me as well, seeing that txt he wrote. I wrote back with puzzlement. Yes in context I spoke about money, in positive ways, unlike him. How proud I was of my friend compared to his digs on his friends waste of money on rent in Manhattan. Etc..
He was cold and mean in his response. So I sat on it and let myself relax and then I remembered all the times he spoke about money: his mortgage payment, the cost of breaking walls to open his kitchen, the cost of the counter, his pocket doors to his junior four, how he wasn't going to spend money on custom closet doors- such a waste, his friends' rents and how stupid they were for it, asking me if I owned my car and telling me how great it was I didn't need to make payments, and how he lent a friend/colleague money for a real estate licence costing $180 and how it took four months to be paid back, even though he was a lawyer making good money.
I wrote him with the details of all his $ comments and said he should look himself in the mirror and he owed me an apology. LOL Not only didn't I get a humble apology he reared his little narcissistic head, thinking I was making some kind of play for him in showing him this. Oh yeah like I would ever beg " oh please please like me" LMBO
So I made myself very clear at that point. :D HAHAHA!
So if this ever gets back to the little little boy you have my permission to let him know that usually when you're not so pretty on the outside, you make up for it on the inside...but sadly he has neither and should seek therapy.
I have not liked every guy I've met and certainly have been rejected by many too. But there is no reason to be mean to someone when you are turning them down, especially if there is no truth to what you are saying as in his case toward me. A very simple, it was nice meeting you (and since we have shared friends) it's nice to have a new friend, see you around...or I enjoyed meeting you but I feel more of a friendship or something like that will suffice.
What you don't do is spend 5 hours with that person and initiate a passionate kiss at the end of the night and then write a mean hurtful and untruthful txt to them the next day.
I guess it's funny in a way how two people can go on the same date and yet not go on the same date.
I decided against my better judgment to go out with a male who in the past I would not have given as second thought to even a slight opportunity to get to know me. Based on age alone! As well, nerdiness. But in the effort to be open, give a possible nice guy a chance, I chalked some red flags up to social awkwardness and truly gave this guy the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes all it takes is a little kindness that can make all the difference right? Diamond in the rough?
I had suspicions that this young guy had communication problems because I nicely made it clear that I wasn't into texting and preferred communication directly. That was ignored. Friends said, give him a chance, maybe he is just nervous and needs to feel more comfortable at this point before he feels ready to talk on the phone. I find this a bit lame, after all if you want to pair up with someone you have to actually talk and communicate. But alas I went forward.
On the actual date, I felt that there were a few moments that were shockingly inappropriate (I will get to them later) but for the most part, as I wanted to give this guy a chance, I literally laughed them off. Sometimes nerves make men say things they know should not have come out of their mouths and a joke or laugh can alleviate the situation letting the other know how you felt.
A lot of topics came up on this date. A lot and the date last 5 hours and ended with a kiss not initiated by me. A very passionate kiss I might add. And that is not something I do with most dates as my good friends know. We talked about our mutual like of all things HGTV and some shared fun Cooking Channel shows. I learned and saw his new apt he was so proud to renovate. We of course spoke about our work. Family was touched on a little bit as far as number of siblings and such.
The way I chose to interpret the conversations was that he seemed willing to share information and his excitement and reasoning for some of his choices.
Here and there he asked me questions about myself and my work. I know what I do is unique to most others. I obliged. However, the way he asked certain questioned seemed to be centered around money/lifestyle, in a prodding or pumping way. There seemed to be some need to know or find out if I had "nice things" and so I was very open about the lifestyle of my career. Sometimes we have a lot of clients and work and other times it's very slow and money is tight. And I said as I often do to many of you, "I'm a good second income," and smiled and laughed about it.
I changed the subject to my friends. I spoke about how proud I was of one friend of mine for being so young and being able to buy her apt in cash in full and how she handled her co op board. His retort was "you will get there someday too." And this started to bother me a bit, his comments. I didn't need consoling and I had already made my own story clear, at our best capacity don't make huge money and I'm fine with that because I love my life and work and friends. (OK I'd love to make more don't get me wrong but it is my choice to do what I do and I love it and made my peace with it.) But it seemed like me having "nice things" wanting them perhaps was important to this guy.
I told him I rent. But he still went on and on asking me what my kitchen was like. And his "well, someday you too" comments kept coming.
It wasn't enough to make me say no to the guy but I was filing it away. Perhaps if a second date came and we were able to establish better communication which takes time, I would be able to establish that this wasn't something that important to me and I was really proud of what he was proud of for himself though, later on. After all, Rome wasn't built in a day.
He made it clear he liked me. He touched my back and my hair. But then a comment came that upset me. Knowing I am naturally curly, he said not only did he think I looked nice with straight hair that night, he said, "I like your hair better straight."
Hurtful comment.
I mentioned I like my curly hair. He pressed on about "better." I said it's a lot of work. He pressed on more about how his sister in law was taught how to do it and I could learn. I said again it's a lot of work and time. And he still pressed on. So I finally said, "If you like it that much and want to see me that way..." and then I made the gesture of $, basically saying if you like your woman that way it costs money dude!
Not once did I say an unsupportive word about any topic he brought up regarding himself. He seemed so proud of his accomplishments and what he was able to do for himself and as I would want to for any friend I wanted to share in his joy for those things for himself and said, "that's great! I'm impressed. " etc. etc..
Look, nobody's perfect and first dates can be hard. I was willing to let some things go and chalk it up to just normal conversation and wanted to share. Especially when I've had so many bad dates that you have all read about on this blog, in comparison this one was "terrific."
So this was a 5 hour date. We went for a walk. We sat and talked. And other conversations came up. Again an awkward conversation was started to which I said, "It's important to me that I find a mate that I can talk with and enjoy communicating with because in the end we all get old and that "other stuff" fades."
His response was bluntly, "I like sex and no it won't."
I repeated what he said because I was shocked. "Did you just say...?" And he nodded yes.
Being the person I am, I just went with the conversation ...choosing not to get mad or angry about it, simply stating my wants and what kind of person I am. "Sex is important to a relationship and yes it can be a deal breaker in the end, but that comes much later after knowing someone for a while. I'm not that type of woman. I'm looking for a mensche."
His response, "Don't you think it's really good that we feel so comfortable talking about this on a first date?"
I didn't. I didn't respond.
He made a lot of comments about next time, this or that.
I changed the subject. I asked if he had ever been in love before. He said yes. I told him I asked because I think it's important to know if someone is capable of being in love with another and that by a certain age if you haven't ever been in love once you're probably not capable of it and that's not a good sign for a partner. (I've had many men say they never were in love or even close and didn't know why.)
I ended the date saying that it was late and would he like a ride home. He declined the ride but kept talking about next time and touching my back and hair. He offered to walk me to my car. And then he planted a huge passionate kiss on me, twice.
Truthfully, writing this is much easier to see things in hindsight. Sometimes these moments go by fast as I am experiencing them and I choose to laugh it off and use humor to get my points across when possible. I thought I had.
That was MY date.
His date was to txt me after I texted a thank you I had a nice time: It was ok. You talked too much about money and you checked your email. Take care.
It was a shock. And a shock to my GF sitting next to me as well, seeing that txt he wrote. I wrote back with puzzlement. Yes in context I spoke about money, in positive ways, unlike him. How proud I was of my friend compared to his digs on his friends waste of money on rent in Manhattan. Etc..
He was cold and mean in his response. So I sat on it and let myself relax and then I remembered all the times he spoke about money: his mortgage payment, the cost of breaking walls to open his kitchen, the cost of the counter, his pocket doors to his junior four, how he wasn't going to spend money on custom closet doors- such a waste, his friends' rents and how stupid they were for it, asking me if I owned my car and telling me how great it was I didn't need to make payments, and how he lent a friend/colleague money for a real estate licence costing $180 and how it took four months to be paid back, even though he was a lawyer making good money.
I wrote him with the details of all his $ comments and said he should look himself in the mirror and he owed me an apology. LOL Not only didn't I get a humble apology he reared his little narcissistic head, thinking I was making some kind of play for him in showing him this. Oh yeah like I would ever beg " oh please please like me" LMBO
So I made myself very clear at that point. :D HAHAHA!
So if this ever gets back to the little little boy you have my permission to let him know that usually when you're not so pretty on the outside, you make up for it on the inside...but sadly he has neither and should seek therapy.
I have not liked every guy I've met and certainly have been rejected by many too. But there is no reason to be mean to someone when you are turning them down, especially if there is no truth to what you are saying as in his case toward me. A very simple, it was nice meeting you (and since we have shared friends) it's nice to have a new friend, see you around...or I enjoyed meeting you but I feel more of a friendship or something like that will suffice.
What you don't do is spend 5 hours with that person and initiate a passionate kiss at the end of the night and then write a mean hurtful and untruthful txt to them the next day.
Girls, my good friend who is a therapist said that the behaviors of this person resemble borderline personality disorder.
